What I've Learnt
I’ve learnt that the thing I wanted most in the world is also the thing that challenges me the most whilst simultaneously bringing me huge joy.
During my first pregnancy I was so focussed on becoming a mama and it wasn’t coming easy and so I consumed my whole being with the pursuit of the 2 blue lines. From ovulation sticks, homeopathy, basal temperature monitoring, doctors appointments and googling way too much. I spent a lot of time believing it wouldn’t happen and when I allowed myself to believe I was focussing on the baby stage, it was crinkly bundle that I was visualising holding a baby in my arms not a kid with long limbs, opinions and a highly independent streak.
Mothering a 5 year old has been full of surprises at every turn. Maybe more of a surprise because I had spent so much time longing for a baby and I hadn’t dared to allow my mind to wander past this stage.
Here we are 5 years in and we’re clearly out of the true early years and things are really getting interesting. I’ve learnt that mothering a child means that I learn everyday, with you guessed it, her as my teacher.
The way she can tell you about yourself in one look, the way she is always listening, even when she looks like she isn’t and then will recite something back to you weeks later.
The way she copies you, sits in front of the mirror pretending to do her hair or make-up in the way you do and then says ‘for real’ in the response to a story, just like you do.
Or when you kiss her goodnight and she tells YOU that she ‘loves you to the moon and back’ or says ‘I’m glad I chose you to be my mummy’. Yep heart melts.
The way she holds up a mirror to everything you’ve ever thought about yourself in what you want for her and the way you examine and try to positively change the world in which she will grow-up in.
And yes whilst sometimes it can feel like pressure to get it right and being doing enough. I know there is no perfection. And most of all, that perfect is not what she needs from me, she just needs me to be me.
So as I sit here writing this, I have learnt that I’m stronger than I think, that I am infinitely more powerful than I had ever known and that I’m right where I need to be.
I wonder what the rest of mothering will bring from tween to teenager and beyond. And as my tummy expands with this 2nd pregnancy I have already learnt how different a situation can be, when you have the belief, the knowledge and the tools to trust and surrender.
Ultimately I’ve learnt that the learning never stops and that is the magic.