What I’ve learnt... About My Feminine Power
I graduated as a yoga teacher just a few short weeks before I fell pregnant with my son. I was fresh from the ashram in India and full of the teachings of Shakti…the powerful female energy that resides within all of us. The experience had been transformative, a shedding of unwanted negativity and a boost to my vital life-force energy. I was clear-headed, full of direction and ready to take on a new path in London.
Then boom, I was pregnant! Of course I was elated. If I’m really honest with myself I went to India to shift things that I felt were hindering me in falling pregnant. I knew I had work to do.
I experienced strange happenings whilst on my training. I had dreams about the word Shakti, I had dreams of dances connected to this word, I had stirrings in a place in my lower abdomen (my fertility chakra). I didn’t understand it, nor did I know what it meant, it felt kind of weird. But slowly it unfurled for me and its been a journey that’s taught me so much about myself ever since.
I had a really magical pregnancy with Hari, I also had the home birth I had been dreaming of. I used my yogic breath to birth calmly and without pain relief and I felt like a warrior goddess. I met incredible women on my journey and started to build my community. Then, without notice or warning… I was floored.
I was floored by the fourth trimester, we struggled with feeding issues that nearly sent me to a very dark place. I was exhausted but determined to breastfeed, I was not kind to myself at all. My instinct to nurture Hari was fierce and unyielding but the instinct to nurture myself as I had done before totally vanished.
I felt lost. I disconnected from myself and from others and at times I felt very alone. I had worked so hard at childbirth, I was so proud at myself. But I had so naively forgotten the part when the baby arrives, the struggles that can come, the lack of time for yourself.
After a period of drifting through a haze that still makes me feel emotional and a bit sad, I started to reconnect to my yoga. I practiced with my son on my lap and discovered small techniques that I as a Mama could use to enable me to piece myself back together.
I learnt that I had to work with my body and with my emotional state. I had to reconcile that I was working in a new space and time and that was ok. It was tiny steps and those steps still take place today. I had to be really kind to myself.
As I write this I am navigating my way through early pregnancy with my second child. I am feeling all of the feels! It’s a reflective time, a time where I have to almost force myself to pause and use the tools I know so well to find my power and my center. I still forget at times.
Being a warrior goddess is not just about being strong, it’s about being lost and then coming back. Not just once but most probably on many occasions. It’s about realising that self-care is a real thing, essential for survival.
I also now understand the importance of connectedness, of finding your circle and building your community. When women come together the magic really happens….that’s the biggest learning that I want to take through this new chapter of motherhood.