A Free Guide to Breastfeeding, the Early Days

Being informed supports you to confidently make decisions and choices. So just like you have with pregnancy and birth finding out as much as you can about breastfeeding before your baby arrives will give you confidence and get you off to a great start.

Breastfeeding may be natural but that doesn’t mean that it is easy……

Being informed supports you to confidently make decisions and choices. So just like you have with pregnancy and birth finding out as much as you can about breastfeeding before your baby arrives will give you confidence and get you off to a great start.

Breastfeeding may be natural but that doesn’t mean that it is easy. You are learning a new skill and this takes time. Try and be gentle with yourself and remember that what works for one mother and baby may not work for you and that’s ok. We are all different.

Skin to skin, cuddles and keeping your baby close to you will help you both become more intune with each other, supporting you to become more confident in recognising their feeding cues & meeting their needs.

Early

If you can, try and support your baby to feed within the first 1-2 hours after birth. Placing your baby on your chest immediately following their birth supports their inborn feeding reflexes. Did you know that if left alone and uninterrupted most babies can find their way to the breast and attach. (This is called the breast crawl, you can find videos of this online – it is amazing).

Responsive

Feeding responsively recognises that feeds are not just for nutrition, but also for love, comfort and reassurance between a baby and their parent. You can not overfeed a breastfed baby.

Frequent

For the first 24 hours, your baby may not be that interested in feeding. Try and keep your baby close to you, this way you can recognise early feeding cues & as soon as they are showing these cues you can offer the breast. From the second day onwards your baby will become more active and alert, this is a time where they will want to feed more frequently and may not want to be away from you.

This is normal and really important for establishing your milk supply. It is very common for new babies to feed 10-14 in 24 hours (the minimum number of feeds is at least 8 times in 24 hours).

Effective

How you hold your baby and attach them to the breast will be different for everyone. It may take time for you to find a position that you feel comfortable with. Being familiar with some basics which work no matter how you hold your baby to feed will support pain-free feeding, ensure your baby is getting the milk they need to grow and that your body is getting the messages it needs to increase and support your supply.

  • Hold your baby CLOSE. Aiming for no gaps between you and y our baby.

  • Make sure that their HEAD is free to move backwards. As they open their mouth wide their head will tilt back. So no fingers on the back of their head.

  • Keep their body in a straight line. IN-LINE. Their ears over their shoulders and their shoulders over their hips.

  • Start with your baby’s NOSE opposite your NIPPLE. Their chin should be touching the breast as this triggers their reflexes to find the breast and latch.

  • Make sure that the position that you are in is SUSTAINABLE. Your comfort is really important – remember you will be in this position many times a day for extended periods. So think about supporting your back, softening your shoulders, putting your feet up and leaning back. This leaning back will also take the pressure off your perineum and you can take advantage of gravity to hold your baby against you.

  • Remember to BRING your baby to your breast rather than your breast to your baby.

How will I know if my baby is hungry?

Recognising when your new baby asks to be fed will soon become second nature to you. Ideally, you are looking & responding to early cues. Some examples of these early cues are

  • Restlessness

  • Moving their head from side to side

  • Making small movements

  • Moving their head towards the breast when being held.

If your baby is crying then take some time to settle them before feeding.

How will you know if my baby is getting enough?

Your breast and nipples will not be sore, you will see signs of nutritive sucking & audible swallowing. Also, keep an eye on the number of wet and dirty nappies they are having and if the colour of their poo is changing. This is an important visual that will let you know if your baby is getting enough.

Be confident & trust your body. Your body that nurtured and nourished your baby throughout pregnancy will continue to do so once they are with you. This positive mindset can be so helpful in the early days.

You can download a FREE shareable PDF of this piece HERE and watch me giving some top breastfeeding tips here.

Some of my favourite books

  • You’ve Got It In You: A Positive Guide to Breastfeeding by Emma Pickett

  • The Positive Breastfeeding Book by Amy Brown

  • The Baby Feeding Book by Vanessa Christie

Other places to go to for information and support

Breastfeeding Support

Unicef Baby Friendly

Kelly Mom

Global Health Media Project

Association of Breastfeeding Mothers

The Breastfeeding Network

La Leche League

BASIS

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Imogen is a Senior Neonatal Care Nurse with 18 years of experience supporting families, an IBCLC Breastfeeding Consultant and a Mum of two. She is passionate about breastfeeding, but more importantly, passionate about mothers being supported to make informed choices.

​She believes that breastfeeding can be made easier with great preparation and support and offers a range of services for mothers and couples, both before and after the birth of their babies.

Imogen supports families face to face in London and virtually all around the world, you can find out more on her website and follow her on Instagram for regular information and inspiration.

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Baby, The Fourth Trimester, Parenting, Postnatal, Tongue Ties Regina Covington Baby, The Fourth Trimester, Parenting, Postnatal, Tongue Ties Regina Covington

A Free Guide to Tongue Ties

The big question is what is a tongue tie?

A tongue-tie can be diagnosed if the membrane under the tongue, also known as a frenulum, is restrictive enough to cause reduced tongue movement and feeding problems. We all have a frenulum under our tongues when it does not permit the tongue to move freely, we can call it a tongue tie.

Some tongue-ties are relatively easy to spot….

The big question is what is a tongue tie?

A tongue-tie can be diagnosed if the membrane under the tongue, also known as a frenulum, is restrictive enough to cause reduced tongue movement and feeding problems. We all have a frenulum under our tongues when it does not permit the tongue to move freely, we can call it a tongue tie.

Some tongue-ties are relatively easy to spot, the frenulum is attached very close to the tip of the tongue and gum line. When a baby cries there is little lift of the tongue and often the tongue appears heart-shaped.

However, many tongue ties cannot be diagnosed by just looking in a baby’s mouth. If the frenulum is posterior, this means it is further back in the mouth, or submucosal, one cannot tell just by looking into the mouth. A full assessment needs to be made, as it is easy to miss a posterior tongue tie.

When assessing a tongue tie it is important to consider the impact that it has on feeding, the baby and Mum. Both posterior and anterior tongue ties can cause significant problems and affect both breast- and bottle-fed babies.

If in doubt always get a skilled practitioner to assess, rather than just accepting that there is or is not a tongue tie present.

Symptoms can include, but are not limited to the following:

  • Difficulty latching

  • Painful feeding

  • Mis-shapen or blanched (pale/ white) nipples at the end of the feed

  • Clicking

  • Fussy unsettled behaviour

  • Low milk supply

  • Slipping down the nipple

  • Coming on and off the breast

  • Difficulty controlling the flow of milk

  • Leaking lots of milk as the baby is unable to form a good seal

  • around the breast or bottle

  • Excessively long feeds OR very short frequent feeds

  • Excessive weight loss by day 5 or poor/slow weight gain

  • Clicking

Tongue-tie division, also known as frenotomy, can help to improve feeding and reduce pain for Mums. However, it is also extremely important to get good feeding support as early as possible if you are experiencing problems. You can watch good breastfeeding attachment here.

Myth: “It’s normal for you to feel pain until your nipples toughen up.”

Fact: This is an indication that something isn’t quite right. Get some skilled help as soon as possible ideally from an IBCLC lactation consultant, a practitioner who has undertaken additional extensive training to support breastfeeding.

Some NHS areas have fantastic infant feeding support so you may only need someone to divide the tongue tie and your midwife or health visitor can refer you to the NHS service or you can use a private practitioner if there is a delay.

There are many tongue tie dividers who are also lactation consultants who are more cost-effective if you go privately. You can find a register of tongue-tie practitioners here.

You can download a FREE shareable PDF of this and many other resources here.

……………………………………………………………………………….

Regina is an independent midwife, IBCLC lactation consultant and tongue tie divider.

She visits her clients in their home rather than a clinic and offers services to families living in north, east, west, and central London and the London borders of Essex and Hertfordshire.

Regina provides one-off services for tongue-tie divisions AND additional breastfeeding support on a longer-term basis. You can find more information on her website here.

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Baby, The Fourth Trimester, Parenting, Postnatal Anthonissa Moger Baby, The Fourth Trimester, Parenting, Postnatal Anthonissa Moger

What do I Need for a Newborn Baby and a New Mum?

My key message is you really need less than you think and don’t buy everything in advance as you will get bits that you never use! This is based on having two babies myself AND working as a midwife seeing hundreds of new parents. Of course, everyone’s list will look a little different, but…..

My key message is you really need less than you think and don’t buy everything in advance as you will get bits that you never use!  This is based on having two babies myself AND working as a midwife seeing hundreds of new parents. Of course, everyone’s list will look a little different, but you can buy a lot second hand or borrow from friends/family as so much is only used for a few months or less.

Try eBay, local parents Facebook groups and there are many great specific Facebook selling groups in the UK for slings, specific buggy brand (type into Facebook ‘buy and sell *brand*’), cloth nappies and good quality baby clothes brands like Polarn O Pyret. We also LOVE Octopus Club for pre-loved baby clothes and toys.

For a Baby 0-6 weeks

Nappies

·       Lots of small/ newborn size nappies, see my other piece here on washable nappies.

·       Something to clean your baby’s bottom and just water is kindest on newborn skin. I like clothe wipes and the clean/dirty kit with great smelling essential oils from Cheeky Wipes is excellent but if you already have 2x Tupperware boxes that will work just as well. Washable wipes work a lot better than disposable ones which push the poo around your baby’s bottom! Surprisingly one washable wipe does the work of many disposable ones.

 

Baby Clothes

  • 8x super-soft cotton baby vests (short sleeve in summer and long sleeve in winter) and 8x sleepsuits (which cover arms and legs) in small/ newborn size. Only buy clothes for 0-3 months, as you go along you’ll find you prefer some styles, types and brands, and what you need will depend on the season. Buy expensive brands second hand as they often have only been used for a few months or even weeks.

  • 1x warmer newborn outdoor ‘pram suit’ but you might not use this much, so getting a second hand one is a good idea, we only used ours three times before it was too small.

  • A hat.

  • A natural fibre blanket, a friend gave us an old wool one which my baby loved.

  • Muslin squares are handy for milky spills and as a makeshift changing surface wherever you are and some babies bring up a lot of milk!

Feeding

You might need some breastfeeding kit but buy what you need as you go, this may include;

  • Breast pads if you leak, washable ones are good.

  • Nipple shields if the baby has trouble latching or your nipples get sore.

  • Nipple balm/ cream although breast milk will do just as good a job.

If you plan to mix feed or formula feed from newborn then you will needs;

  • Formula

  • Bottles

  • A steriliser

 There is a lot to choose from but don’t overthink it, all formula in the UK meets nutritional guidelines and the biggest difference is in the branding and I would recommend using glass bottles.

Sleeping

Where do you want your baby to sleep for the first three months?

  •  A basket or in the bed with you?

Some babies settle well in a basket and some don’t so many peoples won’t use their basket very much or even at all, this is a good thing to borrow or get second hand. Most newborn babies find a cot too big and scary until they get older.

  • Sleep bags x2 in newborn size are a good option and some come with a swaddle function. Grobag is a dependable brand and they come in togs, 1 tog for summer up to 2.5-3.5 tog for winter. These are often available second hand on local Facebook groups for a few pounds.

Getting Around with Your Baby

  • A car seat to take your baby home if you birth in hospital, you can borrow from a friend if you don’t have a car of your own.

  • Baby carrier/ sling for newborn, a stretchy wrap or Moby are nice and cosy when the baby is small but might not feel as comfortable when they get a bit bigger and wriggly so second hand is a good option. I used a borrowed Moby until my son was 5kg and then switched to an Ergo 360 which is still going strong and he is now 10kg! You can find my good guide to slings here and a baby carrying for winter video here.

 

Other bits

  •  Baby bath, we loved this one but only used it until our son until he was 6 months old when he started using the normal bath so a second-hand one is a good idea to save on plastic.

  • A bouncing chair, the Ergo baby bouncer with googly eyes attached is popular but expensive, you can pick up a second hand one for around £30 and my baby preferred the very old Fisher-Price bouncing chair our neighbour gave us which you bounced with your foot!

For New Mums the Month after Giving Birth

  •  If you plan to breastfeed invest in two good quality non-underwired soft nursing bras before you give birth. You are likely to leak at first while your supply regulates so one might be in the wash most of the time. If you have big boobs like me (a D or more) Bravissimo is excellent and will fit you in the shop or over the phone.

  • A breastfeeding pillow, you will spend a lot of time feeding your new baby so be comfortable! I used my BBHugMe pregnancy pillow to feed until my son was 6 months.

  • A large water bottle and metal straw, boy do you get thirsty if you breastfeed!

  • A pair of soft stretchy sweatpants or your pregnancy leggings.

  • Big cotton underwear (2 sizes bigger than your pre-pregnancy size is normally comfy) or disposable ones (incontinence pants are excellent) as you bleed heavily for a few days after birth.

  • Soft maternity pads or washable pads as you often bleed for 2-6 weeks after birth and its good to change these every few hours to avoid infection if you have had some stitches.

  • Lavender essential oil to aid sleep/daytime naps, pop a few drops on your pillow or on a tissue to smell.

  • A relaxation/ meditation track to support calm and naps. You can get one of mine here if you make a donation to the charity Warchild.

  • Lots of snacks and food, soups, broths and stews are excellent warming foods which are easy on the digestion after birth.

  • Help with cooking, cleaning and looking after the baby so you can rest/ nap in the daytime!

 

Items you don’t need initially but may be useful when your baby is 2-3 months;

  • Baby monitor, many babies cluster feed in the evenings so it’s better to have them with you until you go to bed during the first six weeks. My son started going ‘to bed’ when he was three months old and started to sleep 2-3 hours in our bedroom and then wake for a feed. Before three months we kept him with us and he slept and fed a lot while we ate and watched TV.

  • A cot for when your baby is bigger, my son started to sleep in his when he was six months old but co-slept with me before that. We bought a cot that magically transforms into a bed and should last him until he is around 10 years old.

  • A buggy, I still mostly use the sling and my son is 9 months old, but you may need a buggy for shopping etc. A good quality second-hand buggy in good condition is a wise buy!

  • Playmat/ quilted blanket, your baby will likely stop using this once they start crawling!

  • A breast pump, there are many options including manual, electric and hands-free but you may not need one at all. I wouldn’t recommend buying a second-hand pump as you don’t know how much it has been used, how good the battery life is or suction is.

  • A dummy, not recommended for the first six weeks as it pacifies your baby and you will miss some of their feeding cues.

 

Items you don’t need at all;

  • That funny little kit with the nail scissors, thermometer etc. I already had a digital thermometer but still haven’t used it yet for my baby!

  • Baby cream, nappy rash cream, shampoo, soap or other products. Your baby’s skin is its biggest organ and I wouldn’t recommend putting anything on at first it that you wouldn’t put inside them. Breast milk is great for clearing up dry skin, minor rashes and irritated bottoms and many ‘baby products’ like Johnsons contain harsh drying ingredients. A little later you might choose a natural organic oil like sunflower, almond or coconut for their skin.

  • Changing bag, you can use any normal bag!

  • Changing bin, just pop your nappies straight into your normal bin.

You can download a FREE shareable PDF of this and many other resources here.

 

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Baby, The Fourth Trimester, Parenting, Postnatal Clair Wright Baby, The Fourth Trimester, Parenting, Postnatal Clair Wright

A Free Guide to Cloth Nappies

You’ve decided to give cloth nappies a go but you’re not sure where to start. Here are our cloth nappy FAQs which will demystify cloth nappies and help you on your cloth nappy journey.

What are the different types of cloth nappy?

For a cloth nappy to work, you basically need two parts…..

You’ve decided to give cloth nappies a go but you’re not sure where to start. Here are our cloth nappy FAQs which will demystify cloth nappies and help you on your cloth nappy journey.

What are the different types of cloth nappy?

For a cloth nappy to work, you basically need two parts – an absorbent part and a waterproof part. The difference between the four main cloth nappy types or systems is how these parts are combined.

All in ones – the absorbent inner and waterproof outer are sewn together to form a one-piece nappy.

All in twos – the absorbent inner and waterproof outer are two separate parts that can be fastened together, usually by snapping the insert into the waterproof wrap or cover.

Pockets - the waterproof outer is sewn to a stay-dry lining to form a pocket which the absorbency is inserted into.

Two parters - consists of an absorbent flat (terry, muslin or prefold) or fitted nappy that fits around the baby with a separate waterproof wrap/cover over the top.

What about liners/stay dry linings?

Some nappies have a stay dry lining sewn in, for example, pocket nappies or you can add a separate reusable or disposable liner into others. Liners are optional but can help keep a baby dry as they act as a barrier between their skin and the absorbent fabric and can help with poo disposal once a baby is eating solid food.

Can I use them from birth?

Absolutely! Got loads of muslins gifted to you? Perfect! These paired with a waterproof wrap over the top make fabulous nappies for a newborn. Our video here covers other newborn cloth nappy options.

Some parents prefer to wait until their baby is a little bigger so birth to potty sized nappies fit. Despite the name, birth to potty nappies fit best from around 4.5 kg so you may get leaks and find them bulky before then.

What about leaks?

It’s all about getting the fit right. The elastic at the back of the nappy should be low, sitting just over the top of the bottom, leg elastics fitted snugly into the knicker line/leg creases with the front of the nappy sitting under the belly button.

No need for the nappy to be fastened too tightly, ensure you can fit two fingers down the front of the nappy but no gaps around the legs. Take a look at our fit video here for more fit tips.

How should I wash and dry them?

Most nappy manufacturers and retailers will specify how the nappies they make or sell should be washed and dried. It’s worth checking out their recommendations if you’re buying new nappies. The washing routine we recommend is a short, warm wash cycle followed by a warm or hot cotton wash cycle with a full dose of detergent based on the box recommendations for hard water, heavy soiling and your drum size. Air drying either outside on the line or on an indoor airer is optimal.

How many do I need?

The number of nappies you need depends on your baby’s age, how many you use on an average day and how quickly you can get nappies dry. We suggest 18-24 nappies for full-time use on a baby from 4 months+ washing every other day. It doesn’t have to

be all or nothing though. Using one cloth nappy a day saves 365 nappies a year from landfill or the incinerator.

Which cloth nappy is best?

Each nappy type has advantages and disadvantages. What suits your baby, your circumstances and your pocket will differ from that of another family. You don’t have to spend a huge amount of money trying all the nappies out there unless you want to! Nappy library trial kits can be hired for a small fee to give you the opportunity to try out a range of cloth nappies on your baby before buying your own. Buying preloved or second-hand nappies is another way of figuring out what nappies work for you and your baby at a low

cost. If you’re lucky enough to live in Waltham Forest or surrounding boroughs, you may be eligible for a Real Nappies for London Voucher. This gives you £54.15 to spend on cloth nappies at participating retailers.

You can download a FREE shareable PDF of this and many other resources here and watch Clair talking about the different types of nappies available here.

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Clair founded Waltham Forest Cloth Nappy Library in 2013 after using cloth nappies on her son and wondering what to do with all her nappies once he potty trained! She now supports parents and parents-to-be from all over East and North London via monthly Zoom workshops, a free Facebook group and YouTube channel and loan trial kits. She can be contacted for free advice and support via the contact details below.

Email: wfnappies@gmail.com

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Baby, The Fourth Trimester, Parenting, Postnatal Mel Pinet Baby, The Fourth Trimester, Parenting, Postnatal Mel Pinet

A Free Guide to Baby Wearing and Slings

Why babywearing?

Carrying your baby in a sling is a natural act, and for many parents, babywearing is a way of life. Babies thrive when being held close to their parents, it helps them feel calm, secure, and content. The closeness helps forge a strong bond between a baby and their parents.

Slings promote responsive parenting, they enable parents to be close…..

Why babywearing?

Carrying your baby in a sling is a natural act, and for many parents, babywearing is a way of life. Babies thrive when being held close to their parents, it helps them feel calm, secure, and content. The closeness helps forge a strong bond between a baby and their parents.

Slings promote responsive parenting, they enable parents to be close to their baby, pick up on their cues easily and answer their babies’ needs swiftly, whether it is feeding, sleeping, over-stimulation or any other needs.

Babies can be carried in slings in a comfortable, safe and secure manner from birth until toddlerhood and beyond and the benefits of babywearing are countless. Think ‘hands-free’ naps on the go and stress-free transport amongst many others.

Which sling is the ‘best’ sling?

There are lots of different types of slings; style, brands, material and options. The world of slings combined with a large amount of choice can be overwhelming and confusing when trying to find a sling.

There isn’t a ‘best’ sling and the best sling certainly isn’t the most expensive, the one all the other parents and your friends have, or the one everybody recommends or wants to give you.

The ‘best’ sling is simply the sling that works best for you, your baby and your family. It could be a stretchy wrap, a woven wrap, a ring sling, a meh dai, a podaeghi, an onbuhimo, a pouch, a half-buckle carrier or a buckle carrier. It could even an old tablecloth you turned into a sling to carry your baby!

The best sling is the one that is comfortable, supportive, that enables you to do everything you need it for and is safe, check out T.I.C.K.S. for safe babywearing.

Always try before you buy!

So, how do I choose a sling? Always try slings on before you buy one and try a few! Say no to offers of people buying a sling until you’ve made a choice as they all offer different types of comfort, support and carrying longevity.

Go to your local sling library/consultant, we love our job and love helping parents find ‘THE’ sling.

You can find your local consultant here.

When to get a sling?

There is no harm in trying on some slings while pregnant to get an idea of what’s out there, how slings feel and what you might like.

Once your baby arrives, you can go back to see your sling library to try the slings on with your baby, hire them out and see what works best for you.

And it’s never too late to start babywearing, so give it a go, you won’t regret it!

You can download a FREE shareable PDF of this and many other resources here and watch Mel demonstrating some of the more popular slings here.

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Mel is a mum of 2 boys based in Bethnal Green and runs Wrap a Hug Sling Library East London. She is a certified and experienced babywearing consultant with a real passion for supporting parents on their babywearing and parenthood journey. You will always find a warm welcome when booking a consultation with her.

She o-organises the Tower Hamlets Family Meet-up which is a parent support group where new parents come to meet and get free support from local perinatal experts.

Mel runs various sling library information sessions around east London and offers private consultations, face-to-face or online.

She will help you find the best sling for your family and has over 200 slings for you to try on and hire. Mel can also help you feed your little one in the slings, show you how to carry 2 babies and works with parents regardless of their physical ability.

She makes babywearing socks to keep your little ones’ toes nice and toasty in the cold weather!

Contact Mel for all your babywearing needs at mel.wrapahug@gmail.com or via text on 07916349685.

www.wrapahug.com

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Motherhood, Parenting Sophie Whippy Motherhood, Parenting Sophie Whippy

What I've Learnt... From The First Days Of Being A Mum

The first days of being a mum. 

I gave birth to my first son in 2013 and like most new parents I was excited, nervous, full of wonder! I remember returning home from hospital, my son shrinking down in the car seat and me, not quite knowing what to do. Where were the grown ups? I had given birth, but I didn't quite feel like a mum.

The day after we returned home…

The first days of being a mum. 

I gave birth to my first son in 2013 and like most new parents I was excited, nervous, full of wonder! I remember returning home from hospital, my son shrinking down in the car seat and me, not quite knowing what to do. Where were the grown ups? I had given birth, but I didn't quite feel like a mum.

The day after we returned home, members of our families came to visit. They understandably couldn't wait to see & squeeze the new addition. I sat awkwardly on the sofa as my baby was passed around cuddle for cuddle, sniffed, cooed at and showered with love. I felt traumatised. My baby, who I had carried for 9 months, who I had shared every movement, breath and heart beat with for so long, was no longer attached to me. Not only was he not attached to me, we weren't even touching. After a few hours everyone left and we went off to bed. I snuggled him into my chest and cried. He didn't smell the same. It might sound crazy but those first moments of sharing him left me shaken. I felt so raw, open & vulnerable. I wasn't ready to share him, but I didn't feel like I could make the decision not to.

It's a odd place, those first days. You're a parent but somehow it takes a little while to step into the shoes. To feel like it's ok to make decisions for the little life you created. 

I gave birth to my second son just a couple of months ago and I knew from the moment we got pregnant that I wouldn't be ready to share him for at least a week. I needed that time to be with him before anyone else was, and now I'm mum enough to give myself that space. I didn't feel guilty about putting off relatives, or like I was being over protective and thankfully we weren't pressured to open the doors before we were ready. 

There's a lot of pressure in our culture to have guests, to announce births asap and spring back, have visitors & hand baby over for a squeeze, however it isn't the same in all cultures. It used to be traditional in Japan for women to stay inside with their baby for the first 100 days and in Mexico, women have a 40 day period of rest called a cuarentena at home with baby & other female members of family come to support her by taking care of cooking & care for the house.

I learnt from those first days that it's ok to close the curtains and cuddle. To protect your baby bubble & that your needs as a family are the priority. Everything else can wait. It's such a cliche but you don't get those first days back and they are oh so special. So cherish them. 

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Fatherhood, Parenting Harry Gardner Fatherhood, Parenting Harry Gardner

What I've Learnt... From A Love You Can't Conceive

My start is not the start and early life my children have had. At around 2 years old I was removed from my drug-addicted parents and placed in a children's home.

 I was adopted and later sent away to boarding school, suffering abuse of various sorts in both instances. 

This is not a hard-luck story. This is a story of…

My start is not the start and early life my children have had. At around 2 years old I was removed from my drug-addicted parents and placed in a children's home.

 I was adopted and later sent away to boarding school, suffering abuse of various sorts in both instances. 

This is not a hard-luck story. This is a story of the sheer transformative power that comes from having children and the indisputable gift of parenthood. 

I met my beautiful wife whose daughter had just turned 8. The road of step parenting has been rocky at times, to say the least. That could be a story in its own right.... 

She fought me hard but I could see her fears, empathy, and consistency won through. These are things I have learnt are so powerful in parenting.

 I'm touched to say that today this amazing 17-year-old young lady calls me Dad. The lesson here is that the power of just being there is so strong. Presence through the years and containing their emotions and helping them to understand them is something vital. 

On the 1st February 2013 my first child was born. Tears come to my eyes just writing this. We named him Morris. Perhaps, after Johnny Morris the old children's tv presenter? We can never be sure how the name came about?

My wife gave birth to him at home in our bed. I had never experienced such primal power in my life and my admiration and love for her swelled. There were complications towards the end but she was determined, so I was determined for her. 

I did all I could to be steady for her, taking little breaks when I could to pray and meditate in the toilet. These moments were very brief as if I wasn't massaging her or feeding her an endless stream of chocolate, I was in trouble! 

My first born was the happiest day of my life. To have this experience of my own flesh and blood is something I can't begin to explain here. I knew now, so deeply that life had new meaning and that with new life everything had opened up. I was consumed by a love I had not comprehended. 

On the 22nd of September 2015 my second son was born. We named him Ernest. Originally going to be called Ned, we changed it last minute before signing the birth certificate as we felt he was too sombre for Ned (we couldn't have been more wrong!). 

We had another home birth and this time I caught him. I'm welling up again as I recall his warmth and fragility in my hands. 

Incidentally, whilst writing this blog I did a little google search on Johnny Morris and discovered that his full name is Ernest, John Morris. I had no idea. I'm a little freaked out. It's like the spirit of Johnny may have somehow entered us around the time of naming our children. I did play his stories to Morris in utero....

My heart can feel like it's full to capacity with pride and love for my children. Then they show me something new, some new expression or echo of their mother. They dance in some bizarre interpretation of a song, talk sweetly in their sleep, show me a little more of who they are and capture me completely.

 These things and infinity more, incrementally build on the love I have. It is this kind of love that I don't think can be conceived until you have your own children. 

Yes it can be tiring and at times you can be going out of your mind but they are a blessing that defies description. The pure light that emanates from them charges me daily. 

There are a few things that I have learnt are key in this... 

They have a life of pure acceptance. This is unconditional positive regard. I am not over compensating with this for what I lacked growing up but I more than some understand the importance of this is raising children with feelings of healthy self-worth.

 I'm not perfect at this but I strongly believe in complete connection with my children. This involves empathy, putting myself in their tiny shoes and meeting them where they are at. I don't want them to feel alone and not understood. This has worked wonders, especially in regards to helping with tantrums. I can't help but give them a bottomless love and I like to think I have very secure children.

With these things I hope they will be as strong, balanced and happy as they can be. I'm devoted to giving them this parenting but I like to have these things to keep going: 

Daily meditation
Horror films
Date nights 
My counselling course studies (Thursday nights out)
My music
Writing, children's stories or just my journal
Chatting with friends
Walks alone 
And dedication to my business as a gentle parenting consultant 

Harry  (Dad to Laura, Morris and Ernest) x

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